lots of feelings

I'm sure we've all experienced ups and downs in our christian walk, or life in general. For the past little while I've had these underlying feelings that I kept inside, and yesterday I finally decided to open up to God and be completely honest.

"Dear God,

I miss you. I miss feeling your spirit and presence. I miss that feeling after having a great quiet time or spiritual talk or reaching out to friends. I miss not caring about me as much as You. I miss writing to You every day and always being open and honest. I miss fighting the fight and being different and someone You would be proud of. I miss denying myself and pushing myself to grow and learn more about you and Your will for my life. Most of all, I miss you - that's it. I feel like I've let you down in some way or that I've left you behind in my day to day life. I feel like a burden, a major fail who doesn't have what it takes to be a true disciple. I feel like you should give up on me and start over with someone more equipped. I feel like I've allowed myself to build myself up, not you, and now I'm left feeling empty and envious of those who are "doing it right" and having an amazing relationship with you. I feel FRUSTRATED and HOPELESS because I always come back to this place of lukewarmness it seems. Sometimes it feels like Satan's winning, he's stronger and uncontrollable. I feel like all the things I thought would give me happiness have fallen short - clothes, guys, beauty, approval, attention, you name it. Now I'm realizing that you truly are the only thing that will sustain me and give me meaning, joy, and hope. 

But is it too late? Is it too hard to get to You, to repair our relationship? 

Is it pointless since I will keep on messing up and sinning?

Should I just give up and get what I deserve?

love, meagan."

After writing this, I opened up God's Word and He answered my questions.

God's response:

yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. - 2 Corinthians 7:9-11

Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. - Ephesians 2:4-5

He mocks proud mockers
       but gives grace to the humble. - Proverbs 3:34 

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:13-14

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. - 1 Corinthians 3:6-7

So I went from feeling hopeless to hopeful, and learned a couple things. One, God has never expected me to be perfect, and if I did everything right there would be no purpose for Jesus dying for us! Second, God  is enough and strong enough to protect me from temptation and Satan. Lastly, I should not put all the weight on myself and try to "be a better christian" without relying fully on God - He will make me grow and Him alone. 

I guess I am a fail. A major one at that. But who knew that it could be a good thing? I feel a huge weight lifted off me, being reminded that I don't have to carry this load by myself, and God loves me despite my many imperfections.

I pray that you find peace and hope and security in God, and truly accept yourself as a major sinner - you're definitely not alone. 

have a good weekend folks!

meg.

the sun is just beyond the clouds. :)